If you’re growing up Muslim in Canada, then you’ve definitely come across some of these! As Muslims, we take ourselves too seriously and over react on the simplest things. We obsess about zabiha, but won’t hesitate to trash talk someone we don’t like. We don’t listen to our parents, but insist that we live according to the sunnah. Our actions are as impure as our thoughts, but we’re always there for Friday prayer to help wash off the sins of that week! We have a lot to say, but some of it doesn’t make sense.
To my Muslim brothers and sisters, here’s a list of 10 things you might have heard other Muslims say. A few of them will make you shake your head in disbelief but there must be something on this list that you’ve been guilty of too!
- My name is Mohammad but everyone calls me George — What’s up with your white alter ego? George?? Really? I didn’t care much for the name when it was given to the future king of England! But seriously, Mohammad becomes Moe, Imran becomes Ron, Mikhael… umm, well… you were sort of given a white name anyways, so you’re in the clear. But come on! Muslims, own your identity! Stop coming up with alternate names to help appease your inability to embrace your true self! So what if they can’t say it right? As long as you’re saying it right, eventually others will get it too!
- Is he Muslim? Or is he Muslim Muslim? – When you say Muslim twice, are you trying to imply a stage of faith that’s higher than others? The question itself is majorly flawed. We are all at our own individual stages of emaan, and it’s really not cool to try and box people’s persona with a large blanket stereotype or comment on their commitment to faith.
- Can I have that burger upsized, with a side of fries and a beer? Oh wait… is the burger halal? – Duuuude, seriously? You need to get your rulings straight. It’s great that you’re going halal, but before you try to determine the source of your meat, you might want to dabble into the source of your emaan. Understand the things which are black and white, before you go out exploring the grey area.
- Insha’Allah your date goes well – This is another one of those things which I really don’t get. By saying insha’Allah, you’re hoping that Allah will take over the outcome of this event. But dating isn’t allowed in Islam, so exactly what are you seeking divine intervention for? Are you asking Allah to help you with something He’s told you not to do? Let me break it to you gently, it doesn’t work that way!
- Straighten your rows… that applies to the rows of cars in the parking lot too! – Muslims don’t know how to park!! You can go to any masjid on a jumma and you’ll know what I mean. Parking brings out the beast in all of us. We’ll get angry, aggressive and even bring out the fists! We know how to pray in a line, but I don’t think we can park in one.
- Following the halal seating arrangement – So you’re going in a car, and there are 3 guys and 2 girls and boy 1 is a cousin of girl 2, and girl 1 is the sister of boy 3, and boy 2 is friends with all of them, but doesn’t really like boy 1… sigh… are you confused yet? Yeah, so are all the other Muslims. When a few brothers and sisters (not legit, only in Islam) need to carpool, the seating arrangement can take almost an hour to organize. Who is allowed to sit with who, and how to make the trip halal. It usually takes us longer to figure out who should sit where, than the amount of time it takes us to actually get there!
- Brother where’s your beard? – Ok so it’s confirmed. If you’re not a beardo, you’re not a brother. Sorry, but that’s how we Muslims roll. What’s maddening is watching these guys sporting beards, but skipping prayer, and then commenting on those other Muslims who are heading to the masjid. Seriously guys, define your priorities!!
- She’s my cousin – Everyone everywhere has been guilty of that. Unless you’re related because you have the same mother, it’s NOT ok for you two to be hanging out or going to the movies or for dinner. Cousins aren’t siblings. You never know, your mom and aunt might be planning your nikkah right now!
- Sister, your hijab isn’t correct, wait let me fix it – If you’re a sister, you know what I mean! There are so many ladies out there who feel it’s their right to invade your personal space. Instead of just politely telling you, they feel the need to rearrange things on your head. If you’ve been a victim to hijaab assault, speak up!
- I’m not backbiting, it’s all over Facebook! – Well here’s a little secret about backbiting: it doesn’t matter how many people are doing it, if you’re talking smack about someone then you’re backbiting. Facebook has just made it a lot easier, and desensitized us to other people’s feelings. Stop making excuses and start being a little more Muslim. We’re not allowed to backbite, you know what they say about those who do…
- Second look is haraam bro… that’s why I’m still on my first– So many brothers have used this line, I feel like I need to call the fatwa police! Lower your gaze brothers! I know it’s not easy in a place like Canada, especially in the summer, but you know what they say, the harder the test, the greater the reward. So if you’re looking to score some extra deen points, skip the smart talk and look away. And by the way, none of the girls I know like having a beardo giving them the stare. It’s not cool, it’s just creepy.